Monday, 11 October 2010

Round 2: E-mail back to Nickelodeon

So i decided to email Nickelodeon back,

Dear one half of the worlds finest geordie double act,

I see where you are coming from with the whole sing along thing and it is a point well taken however maybe singing along to intro's and such should be kept in the 90's. Take a risk! do something crazy! You could delve into areas unknown and express words through the medium of dance. Instead of a man signing in the bottom corner of the screen like they do with shows adapted for the hard of hearing why not have a man dancing in the bottom of the screen telling out the story as he goes along. I understand that some complete, utter, uneducated idiots with an allergy to culture out there may not understand what is going on in the story due to their lack of knowledge of story telling through expressive dance but these people could use subtitles therefore enhancing their reading ability and everyone knows reading is a million times cooler than TV anyway. So its a complete win win situation. Unless your blind as well as deaf. Maybe i'll invent a braille tv....

However 'Spongebob Quadrilateralpants' is so simple yet genius i am ashamed of myself for not suggesting this but great work from your team there. They deserve a raise. Also due to my half Italian, half English, two thirds Spanish and nine quarters Bolivian heritage i can confirm that quadrilateralpants in Italian means 'to munch someone's cucumber' and in Bolivian it means 'that dog brought a cow' not very rude that one but it would be quite confusing for those little Bolivians kids. 'Spongebob Parralelagrampants' is something i have recently thought of and is great due to added alliteration. If Nickelodeon ever decides to go the way of other channels out there and just broadcast pure filth you could have a look at after dark alternatives such as, Spongebob Nopants or Sponge-nob loudpants (pants in that name is referencing to the verb to pant and not the noun pants.) 

I also suspect that for the patchy the pirate reference you watched the intro to spongebob squarepants at least twice like i did where i attempted to look for a word 4 or more syllables but could only find a high of 3 syllables words, Nautical, pineapple and absorbent. Good work Ant. However if you skip the intro to 44 seconds and listen very very very very very very very very very very very very very carefully you will hear patchy the pirate whisper 'antidisestablishmentarianism' disproving your theory of Patchy's inability to pronounce words containing more than 3 syllables. However i won't publish this so we'll just keep it as our little secret and no one will ever know about patchy's super pirate powers. except me and you Ant. Just Me. And you. I hope you can live with this resting on your conscience...

Also if you are going to pass my email around all those executive types do me a favour and try find me a really beautiful young blonde woman who's earning at least 200k+ a year and is really desperate for somebody to be there for her because i'm that man and if she even dares to accuse me of just wanting her for her money you just tell her that i think she's got a really nice personality and i love women that like football or horseriding or films or walks or takeaways or dogs or cats or snow or sun or rock music or pop music or opera or the theatre. (delete where approriate)


P.S if you are still in contact with the creators of Ed, Edd n Eddy and if they are still creating new shows maybe you could suggest to them that in one episodes they get girlfriends called Ann, Anne n Annie who had pets called Ben, Benn and Bennie which resulted in Ed, Edd and Eddy having to get matching pets called Ken, Kenn and Kenny. I'm Sure this would create comical and absolutely mind boggling viewing.

it took a couple of days for a reply but eventually there it was, top of my inbox,

Dear Jonny,

Thank you for your email. I am answer-bot, the automatic computer responder at Nickelodeon which handles emails when Ant cannot think of anything funny to say. Unfortunately this happens much too often and we’re thinking of letting him go.

Our robotic sensors have scanned your email and will reply with fine pre-written paragraphs in response to random words which you have mentioned.

1. Fred, Fredd and Freddy is a good idea but perhaps needs some development. How about “The Soul Adventures Of Fred, Fredd and Freddy and the Furious Five” ? It sounds like one of those old cartoons they show on Cartoon Network. Nickelodeon is like Cartoon Network, but better. Sometimes.

2. Ant says that he’s not that Ant, but someone completely else.

3. Unfortunately, we do not know any blonde women meeting your salary parameters, and if we did, we would be keeping them for ourselves.

Thankyou as always for your email. It made our lights flash and everything.

Yours robotically,


Ant was definitely a bit of a let down this time around and I feel he may be growing tired of me so it looks like I'm going to have to find another company to start emailing.

I also feel silly for assuming that Ed, Edd and Eddy was on Nickelodeon, completely forgot about cartoon network. Deary me....